I carried both of my sons. But in order for my wife to become their legal parent, we both had to be fingerprinted by the FBI.
When Stephanie and I built our family, all we wanted was the assurance every parent wants — that if something happened to me, our boys would stay with her. In Pennsylvania at the time, that meant putting her name on their birth certificates and having her legally adopt the children I’d carried. Nearly twenty years ago, it cost us $5,000 per child in legal fees and required a full background check. The law also sent a social worker into our home, to determine whether we were fit to raise the kids who were already ours.
Our sons are sixteen and eighteen now. We had the resources and the resolve to get through those indignities. Many families don’t — and the laws still vary depending on where you live.
This is what I mean when I say affirming systems should be the norm, not the exception. It isn’t only the clinic. It’s the law, the paperwork, the shitty reality that families like mine have to prove themselves in ways others never will.
I know that gap from the inside in more than one way. I was also a patient who went years without the right questions — until one clinician finally asked them, and changed the course of my own health. So many people never get those questions, those answers, or care delivered with dignity and respect.
That’s the gap OutCare Health works to close. I serve on its board, and I’ve watched it work right at the intersections of health, identity, and equity — training providers to deliver care that’s competent and affirming, and building free tools like the OutList, a directory that helps people find providers who actually know how to care for them.
I want to be honest about the moment we’re in. As the country’s commitment to diversity and inclusion is dismantled, the money for LGBTQ-affirming healthcare has been hit hard. OutCare’s fundraising fell more than 85% last year. But the need hasn’t diminished — LGBTQ+ people still sit across from providers who don’t know how to care for them.
OutCare’s Pride in Healthcare campaign is raising $10,000 for Pride Month. I’ve committed to raising my share, and I’m starting by giving myself. I’m asking you to give too — ten dollars, fifty, truly whatever you can. Every gift protects the programs and the people who make sure our community gets the care it deserves.
I refuse to let affirming care become a casualty of the backlash on diversity. Affirming systems should be the norm, not the exception. Will you join me?
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